This is not a story. This is not a blog. It's a letter to every person who left in the middle. who left without saying goodbye. who left silently without even telling. who left without communicating in the scariest way. Someone who was an important part of the puzzle once has become a stranger now. Someone who was once a lover, friend, my most favourite relation, my person, but doesn’t recognise me anymore.
That part of my Life’s puzzle is not missing anymore but is a void now. The void that took everything from me and still remained the same.
Dear stranger,
I hope you are doing well. I hope it was worth it for you the way you left everything that was once there. You said you weren’t in a good mental space when you left. You said we need to maintain a distance. you said you no longer have the energy to keep this situationship going. I wanted so badly to say please don’t because if you will leave now I won’t be in a good mental space anymore. I don’t have the courage or the energy to lift myself up. But as usual, I prioritise your needs and your wishes above mine. I had to let you go.
I think I am moving on and I will eventually, not like I have a choice anymore. yes, it's true I am not in a good space mentally and physically both. it takes every inch of me to do the basic things. but I guess it's temporary, eventually, it will get better , after-all time heals everything. if not healing it will definitely reduce the pain. Talking about pain, damn it sucks that it hurts so much.
Even though it hurts like hell, I am moving on from you, i am training myself to move on from you, true. I don’t look at your picture and think "Damn, he is gorgeous" the nearest thought that came into my mind now is "He is just a guy". but what do I do with the memories, the talks, the laughs how do I get past those thoughts. how do I get past these memories who lie beside me in the bed and haunt me to the death, making my heart choke and my eyes teary at 4 am? I know you don’t have the answers to any of this as usual. so I guess it's just me again questioning myself. Calculating everything that I did, what went wrong.
It hurts that you are not a part of my life, my daily life. no wonder I wake up exhausted. it hurts I am not a part of your life, I miss the daily snaps, and the chats(if there were). it hurts that I am not the first person to know about what happened and what’s happening in your life. it hurts that I don’t get to tell you what happened in my life, it hurts we don’t share the laughs anymore. it hurts, it hurts so fucking much. just so you know I have stopped using the apps where I can’t look forward to your texts or your snaps. so it has reduced my screen time. so thank you for that.
your absence made a significant void in my life I am still struggling to fill. but it has made me more grateful, and more gentle with the rest of my life and the people in it. Because first, now I know how it feels to be the other person who is left behind, who is getting ignored. Second, we don’t have years to experiment with people with their feelings, it's not always that people care because life doesn’t stop for anything, and everyone moves on from everything eventually.
so thank you for giving me a permanent life lesson and making me more compassionate. maybe it's not worth the trauma, but still.
first, I thought there is no point of writing this because no amount of effort can make a person feel something he doesn’t want to feel. no amount of affection can make a person stay who wants to leave. words can work at a certain limit and at a certain timeline and I guess I passed both. but then I thought when does your concern ever stopped me from writing for you or to you. sometimes it affected you and sometimes it didn’t but I wrote my every thought anyways. Because that's who I am or who I have become now I believe. so it should be fine.
and honestly, I am not writing it for you, I am writing it to remember this, all of it. I want to remember every piece of it like I remember the good ones. it's unfair to mourn about a loss without acknowledging the reasons behind it. Because that way, it hurts less.
I am glad I am falling out of love with you actually I don’t even know if it was love, but whatever it was it was real for me and it hurts now when it doesn’t exist anymore. you closed and ended every aspect of it. but whatever it was I am falling out of it, it's funny how falling in and falling out are similar. but I just hope it ends the same way too. the way I fell for you the way I leaned towards you and suddenly I was all about you. I wish the falling out to be the same although it's taking a hell lot of time now even with the single-step pace, I wish it ends the same way. one day, suddenly I am out of it, you are out of my mind, my body, my heart. the moment when I look at you and feel nothing.
I hope to never see you again because I don’t want to get awkward and I can’t pretend to not know you when the fact is I am not able to forget you. I hope I never receive a drunk call or text from you where you’ll say you are sorry or you feel bad for me because I am afraid those words won’t do anything to me and it may hurt you.
but if we cross paths someday or you come across this I want to ask you did you rip the sketches I made you, did you throw out the cover I gave you, did you read the letters I gave you? I want to ask you did they lost all of their meaning that you react nothing to them. I want to ask you do the thought of me still crosses your mind while holding that cover( ofcouse if you still have that). I want to ask you did I really deserve the silent cut out, did I really deserve the ignorance, did I really deserve that anger of yours? Because honestly, I did not.
Lastly, I want to know if are you in a good space now, because I really do hope you are, and it was worth it for you to leave.
I hope the best for you.
so goodbye, the goodbye which had nothing good in it or maybe it had, I failed to recognise. or maybe I'll know in the afterlife and if I am lucky(which I am clearly not) I will know in this life only.
From,
just another person: who failed, who loved, who cared.