“I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed.” ― Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits
What is the shittiest feeling in the world? well everyone has their own answers for it,
for someone, it might be the moment when their favourite jacket went out of stock,
for someone, it might not be able to see their favourite person for months,
for someone, it might be the loneliness they feel at 2 am, feeling all at once but not able to process anything,
for someone, it might be the ugliest period cramps,
for someone, it might be that frustration when the code doesn't work after so many attempts,
There is no one specific answer to this, even for one person.
With multiple feelings we have, there lie multiple answers. it may hit us in the night or in the middle of the day, it can hit us anytime, with multiple answers there are multiple timings.
I am no different its the same for me as well. sometimes it's when I am crying at 2 am, and sometimes it is at 9 am when I am just about to start my day.
but among all of these, the shittiest one is when you are having a cup of tea in the middle of the day on a Saturday and after a couple of sips, you stare at the wall for a minute and you just burst into tears.
how? why? you don't know anything, you are just sitting there and crying.
you don't realise that you just had a breakdown until those tears rolled down all the way from your cheeks to your hand.
you are not thinking anything yet your mind feels so heavy. but you are feeling something tremendous that your body is just numb for the moment but you don't know what.
as you gather a sight with yourself, you start asking yourself,
how long it's been since you have sat with yourself
When was the last time you asked yourself, how are you? Are you really okay or have you been just pretending to be okay all the way.
You realise how empty your life has become despite having everything. Even in a room full of people you find yourself alone.
In the process of giving everyone a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on, you left yourself far behind.
You got so busy with this adult life of yours, the day to day shits you deal with and with everything going on you didn't even have the chance to notice that you left something behind, something important, an important part of you.
But it feels so heavy to chase that part of yourself now and a little late to ask for help.
And when you haven't asked yourself for help in a while, you don't know how to ask anyone anymore. You have forgotten those words.
How do you say that you are not fine, that you need a hug, a long hug until you feel better.
How do you say that you are not feeling good, not even a single bit.
How do you say that while having your first cup of tea in the morning, you had a major breakdown.
How do you say that you have been crying all day.
How do you say that these quarter-life crises aren't coming quarterly to you.
How do you say that you wanna give up.
You just want to give up.
How do you say that you want to stop saying "I am fine" when you are not.
How do you say that you are not strong and you don't intend to be. You don't want to be strong.
You just want to be at peace, peace for your soul, peace for your heart, peace for your body, peace for your mind.
How do you say?
And most importantly whom do you say all of this to?
Do you have that person in your life, who listens to you when you refuse to listen to yourself.
Who gave you the words that you were struggling to find.
Who took your hand and hold it when you were afraid to let it out.
Who hugged you when you were hiding under your thoughts, questioning your entire existence.
Who kissed you when you couldn't look at yourself in the mirror.
Well if you have that person, amazing! You are lucky. Hold that person tightly and never let them go. But if you don't have that person in your life yet, you just take a leap of faith in trusting people, telling them about you, and allowing them to help you.
So when I say, I am not fine, people often ask me why? What happened? Is that a valid question to ask someone who just had a breakdown? Maybe it is when you are asking it. But when you get asked this question, you don't know what to say, because you don't know what happened.
Or maybe you do know but from where you should start?
The reason people don't answer this question and just reply "no, nothing happened" is because they don't know from where they should start, from where you'd be comfortable hearing. Which part to skip and which part I should keep.
Should I start from the very first, when it all began? When I had my first panic attack, my first breakdown. My heart was racing so fast that I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hold myself together.
How I struggled for hours to handle that pain. How I struggled to catch my breath.
Or should I start from the time when I became used to these attacks, these breakdowns? It still hurt me, I was still struggling but I didn't feel it, I didn't feel like something unusual was happening to me.
Or should I start from my most recent breakdown? When I went silent in the middle of a conversation I was having with my friend. And when he asked me "hey, what happened, are you here"? I couldn't answer it, because I couldn't understand what he was saying, it was like someone is speaking but you are receiving just the sound and the words and sentences just vanished in the way. everything just blurred out.
Or I should just talk about today's situation.
Which part do you wanna know, which part should I share, and which story should I tell? I don't know. So I just say "no, nothing happened".
And this is how most of us have been dealing with this because there is so much to say yet nothing to express. Yeah, it's a sad situation, you wouldn't know about it until you are in it.
So this is how the day passes, then the night, then weeks, then months. And then the tear from your eye falls on your hand and suddenly you wake up realising you are still there, not even the day has passed, you have been daydreaming it all.
When you have a breakdown in the night you have a choice to sleep on these thoughts, to sleep in the hope that you might feel better when you will wake up. Most of the time, you do have that choice.
Whether you agree or not, the morning does come with hope though it doesn't always make things better the next morning.
But you still keep that hope in your heart, because "hope is a good thing" and you can't do anything except hope.
But when you break down in the middle of the day, you feel completely helpless. Because the entire day is ahead of you, you don't have the slightest idea how to proceed.
And you know with the sun setting, there goes your remaining hopes. And at night it's going to be bad.
Even the mere idea of this terrifies you. You feel trembled in your own body, stuck and numb.
But what can you do about all of this? All of this mess. Maybe a lot of things, maybe nothing. But even if you do know what to do, you lack the strength to do it. You don't even have the strength to face it.
So you just wipe your tears and give yourself the hand you should have always given. And with a little faith and courage in your heart, putting a brave face on, you carry on with the day, you carry on with life, you carry on with LIFE!